Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
