there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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