I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
