please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
