remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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