We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
