ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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