Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
