you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
