I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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