Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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