So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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