So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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