hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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