And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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