You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
