he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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