You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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