I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
