there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
