i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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