I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
