I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
