your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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