I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
