He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
