: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
