Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
