so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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