I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
