so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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