I wish I could teleport
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
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