You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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