his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
