I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
