I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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