So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
