I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
FUCK WHALES
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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