I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
