I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
