life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
