there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
