I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
