so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
