I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
