I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
