You can't special order awesome
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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