I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
