go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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