I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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