Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
