i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
