The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
someone owes me an orgasm
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
