The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
