We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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