i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
