I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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