Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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